A very special offer. Please give back.

Would you donate $1 a week if you knew it would greatly improve the life of a disadvantaged youth in a third world country?

That’s the offer Jake Grate Charities is making to you now. For a low weekly cost you can equip a youth with his or her very own ostrich with which to compete in the wonderful world of ostrich racing.

Just take a look at some of the individuals who have already been helped by this great charitable opportunity.















Please find it in your heart to give today. There are children out there who don’t have food, shelter and, more importantly, a large, flightless bird to ride around on.

China's 2012 Women's Gymnastics Team Conception Successful

Xuaxuang Province, China - Chinese officials announced that the nation's 2012 women's Olympic gymnasts were conceived today. The athletes are expected to be born in nine months, at which time gymnastics training will immediately begin. Chinese documents show the fetuses to be aged between 8 and 12 years old.

Local Businessman Actually A Nazi War Criminal

A prominent local businessman was arrested today under suspicion that he is Alfred von Schauss, a notorious and long-hunted Nazi war criminal. Also known as “The Minister of Death”, von Schauss changed his name, shaved his head, and grew a large mustache in order to hide his identity. And hide he did for some 63 years. He is currently being extradited to Germany for sentencing.

Dead Asshole’s Will: Place My Ashes At Mt. Everest Summit

“Give me a break! Do you even know how much it costs to make an attempt at the summit?” bereaved brother Terry Marshall complained.

As Sahara Desert Continues To Grow US Threatens Nuclear Force

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael Mullen delivers a stern speech, clearly directed at the world’s largest desert.

Iraq An Official Candidate For Hosting The 2148 Olympic Games!

Ceremonial ground breaking has already begun in and around Baghdad.

Pantyhose Over Head No Longer De Facto Disguise For Criminals

A shocking new study by Harvard University criminology professor Branch McCracken reveals that ski masks, hooded sweatshirts, bandanas, and sunglasses have supplanted the once ubiquitous women’s undergarments amongst felons.

John McCain Traveling Across US In Rickshaw

John McCain’s new mode of transportation cuts down on carbon emissions and creates jobs for Vietnamese immigrants.

“American Idol” contestant actually America’s Most Wanted!

Fox’s hit reality show “American Idol” is a true ratings juggernaut. With 7 seasons of prime time ratings domination, the television program is so powerful that it has withstood some pretty serious scandals. Prior contestants have been involved in everything from pornography to drugs/alcohol to inappropriate relationships with the judges. Yet “American Idol” has weathered the storm and emerged unscathed. However, this week the biggest bombshell of all was dropped...

An affiliate has informed me that with last season's 17-year old runner-up David Archuleta, noted for his moving interpretation of John Lennon’s “Imagine”, there is much more than meets the eye. Suspicions were raised when it came to light that records show no one with the name “David Archuleta” ever existing.

With some old-fashioned detective work and high-tech facial recognition software it has been revealed that “David Archuleta” is actually one of America’s Most Wanted criminals and a fugitive wanted Dead or Alive by the government of the United States of America.















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After


Earl Dupree, AKA “Wild Julio”, AKA Bones, AKA Mad Dog Dupree, was the leader of the Aryan Nation and one of the most feared prisoners at Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary until he mysteriously escaped some seven months ago. Originally arrested for holding a retirement home hostage AND dog-fighting, Dupree is also the primary suspect in the grisly murders of no less than 8 fellow inmates at Leavenworth. Also deeply tied to the American White Power movement, Mad Dog Dupree is considered armed, highly dangerous, and with a vocal range somewhere between B1 - G3.

Our anonymous source has explained that Dupree changed his name and got his tattoos removed in order to audition for a highly coveted spot on “American Idol”, figuring the reality show to be the perfect cover for his nefarious plotting. “American Idol” producers have not yet commented on this developing story. There is no word yet on how this will affect Archuleta/Dupree’s chances at potential record deals.

Dead Man Goes Unnoticed At Poker Table For Three Weeks

Dale Edmund’s corpse was undisturbed beneath a baseball cap, dark sunglasses and an over-sized hoodie at a Bellagio poker room. “I just thought he was a strong, silent player,” explains Joey Timmione, who sat next to Edmunds for nearly 36 hours.

Funnyman Dan Aykroyd Putting On Weight For Movie Role For Last 20 Years

For the last 20 years, noted comedic actor Dan Aykroyd has been gaining weight for an as yet unnamed movie role. His publicist Sharon Gladspell confirmed, "Yes, Dan has been vigorously eating for the last couple decades. We're not sure what film he will be appearing in yet, but we feel confident in declaring that when it happens, you will see the biggest Dan Aykroyd you've ever seen!"

Study Finds That Over 75% of Pawn Shops Have Gimps in the Basement!

Earlier this week, Reader’s Digest released a shocking new study. In America, 78% of pawn shops have at least one gimp tied up in the basement. Once thought to be a joke or merely fictional, this trend is threatening to overtake every pawn shop. To understand this problem, we must first define it. I did some scholarly research.

Webster’s Dictionary defines a gimp as “a weird dude, probably in black leather, and definitely in a mask who lives in the basement of a pawn shop as some kind of sex slave.” The dictionary defines a pawn shop as “a store where goods and money are exchanged. Also, where gimps live.”

Pawn shop owner Roy R. McGready addressed the Gimp issue directly: “Yeah, we’ve got a gimp in the basement. What of it?”

George W. Bush's New Education Policy: "No Child Left"

With "No Child Left Behind" receiving merciless criticism, Bush has decided to tighten up his education slogan.

Proof Palin Supports "Drilling In Alaska"

You show me a mother of 5 and I'll show you someone who supports drilling.

Pete Rose Inducted Into Gamblers’ Hall of Fame

Pete Rose, the all-time Major League Baseball leader in hits (4,256), games played (3,562), at bats (14,053), and outs (10,328), after decades of waiting has finally been elected into the prestigious Gamblers’ Hall of Fame.

In 2004, following years of denial, Rose admitted to betting on games with the Cincinnati Reds throughout his career as both a player and manager. No player since has been able to accomplish the “Pete Rose Double Whammy” of cheating as both a player and manager.

With three World Series rings, three batting titles, two Gold Gloves, and 17 All-Star appearances during his 23 years in Major League Baseball, Pete Rose is always mentioned in any conversation about “the greatest gambler of all time.”

Vinny “Shifty” Coppelli, spokesperson for the GHOF and noted loan shark, said in a prepared statement, “Pete Rose is synonymous with gambling. I bet you can’t name a better gambler. Go ahead, name one. C’mon, I’ll give you 2/1 odds…”

Rose is particularly ecstatic about the induction. In true world class gambler style, he spent the weekend in Vegas meeting bookies and laying down bets on his own election to the Lying Hall of Fame, which will vote on his membership when they convene next month. Or so they say...

"We need more Ben Stiller close-ups in this film," says director Ben Stiller

Los Angeles, CA - On the set of his recent movie, Ben Stiller declared that "we need more close shots of (actor) Ben Stiller!" Utilizing his "one-gimmick per role" approach to filmmaking, Stiller focused the camera 3 inches from his head and made "funny faces" for hours of reaction shots. Still unhappy with how things turned out, Stiller sent the script to writer Ben Stiller for re-writes. Executive Producer Ben Stiller could not be reached for comment.

(Photograph courtesy of photographer Ben Stiller)

“Clone More Sheep!” Bestiality Coalition Demands

Blue Springs, MO - The American Bestiality Enthusiasts (ABE) today delivered a stern message to geneticists around the world. “After years of great progress in the field of cloning, we feel that recently scientists have been slacking off,” stated ABE President Vern Heely. “Recent advances in molecular cloning have focused on bacteria and plants. What good is that going to do anyone?”

Long known as the most supportive and vocal lobbyists for animal cloning, the ABE still celebrate Dolly Day every year on July 5th, the anniversary of the birth of Dolly, the original cloned sheep. “Our Fourth of July just comes one day later,” Heely explained.

If the ABE were to withdraw their support of animal cloning there would be no foreseeable consequences whatsoever. “We’ve had enough! Just imagine what we could accomplish if we concentrated all our vast scientific resources on the cloning of more sheep like Dolly,” Heely declared to loud cheers from all four ABE members in attendance at the press conference, which took place in the basement of an area YMCA.

When one local reporter reminded Heely that great advances were in fact being made in the field of human cloning, Heely scoffed and promptly walked out of the room, muttering something about “going back to my farm.”

All legitimate scientists and scientific organizations have declined to comment.

KC Chiefs Quarterback Caught In Flagrante Delicto With Skeleton!

As a big fan of the Kansas City Chiefs football team, I like to take an interest in who the players are. For instance, I like to keep up to date with who the starting quarterback is. Last week, it was a guy by the name of Tyler Thigpen. After about 30 seconds of background checks on this guy, I uncovered this picture.

Now, I'd like to think that I'm a liberal, open-minded man of the 21st century. However, this is simply going too far. Even for me. Necrophilia, seriously?

I always knew that NFL players were bad men, the toughest of the tough. Dudes you'd never want to run into. Apparently though, things go much deeper than I could ever imagine.

When you discover that a 3rd string quarterback on a professional football team is involved in some sort of terrible degradation such as this, you really have to take a step back.

Sure people complain about inflated salaries, steroids, poor sportsmanship, and so on. I think it's time we refocus our gaze on the NFL and mandate that absolutely no "skeleton fucking" will be tolerated. I'll keep you updated on how this crusade develops.